You love visiting your friends. But thereâs one problem: You donât love their guest room. Perhaps the mattress is lumpy or the walls are too thin. Maybe youâre a sensitive sleeper who needs control over the thermostat. Either way, getting out of an overnight invite can be tricky.
If hosts are insistent â" and their accommodations arenât great â" that can put a reluctant houseguest in an awkward etiquette position, said Lizzie Post, co-host of the âAwesome Etiquetteâ podcast and co-president of the Emily Post Institute. But you donât have to insult your hostsâ home to turn down their offer. Blame yourself instead.
âThereâs no reason to judge other peopleâs hospitality when we have something on our own to point to: âIâve realized itâs best if I have my own space and a little bit of breathing room,ââ said Post.
And thereâs no reason to lie. You can keep it vague while emphasizing how much youâre looking forward to dinner or a night filled with board games, Post suggested.
Use privacy as an excuse if youâre traveling as a couple. Tell the hosts that you and your partner just want some alone time, and youâre using the trip as âa nice little getaway," said etiquette expert Elaine Swann, founder of the Swann School of Protocol. Hopefully, theyâll get the picture. If youâre traveling solo, Swan said, âwave that flag of me time.â
âYou almost want to mention the fact that youâre not staying there as an afterthought,â said Swann. âFocus more on the wonderful things that youâll do together.â
Be prepared for hurt feelings
Turning down an offer of hospitality can come across as judgmental, even if you point to your bad back or your love of hotel soaps. Your hosts might get offended because it can seem as if youâre telling them their space isnât good enough.
âItâs their home, and itâs their invitation theyâve issued that somehow seems less than to you,â said Post. âItâs really hard to hear that.â
Swann agreed that the simple act of turning down the offer â" no matter the reason â" can seem like an affront. But you shouldnât make yourself uncomfortable just because your host might be slighted. âPeople try too hard to avoid hurting peopleâs feelings,â said Swann. âJust recognize that they may be hurt, they may be offended. But hope that, in the end, the friendship can weather that storm.â
Should you try to fix the problem? Maybe.
If room temperature is the issue, Post thinks self-adjustments are better than asking your host to modify the thermostat: If itâs too hot, put an ice pack under your pillow or grab some water to cool off; if youâre shivering, bring plenty of socks or layer up with blankets.
If youâre only shying away from the guest room because of a fixable issue, it could be worth addressing. But Swann thinks guests should offer to help in the process. If scratchy sheets are the problem, give your friends a set of comfy bedding. If the pillow is too flat, leave a firm one for your next visit. However, If you have no intention of staying, itâs best to keep quiet. âIf you tell them whatâs wrong and they fix it and you still donât want to stay there, you might as well not even tell them,â said Swann.
Donât judge
When you break the news that youâre going to stay elsewhere, just be mindful that youâre turning down the place where your friends live.
âPeople donât like being judged in a space thatâs supposed to be their private space and theyâre choosing to welcome you into it,â said Post. âOur homes become a very vulnerable place for us when we let other people in.â
Keri Wiginton is a freelance writer.
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